I needed to air out some things about how I think

So I just finished playing night in the woods and i took a lot more from it than I thought I would. One of the major points in the game is that like nothing matters on major scale and if you look at it that way everything looks blurry and out of focus and unimportant. 

I’ve always had a more nihilistic approach to life. And I say that without the weird pretentious air that comes with most nihilist images people bring up. And I think I’ve always used it as a way to say “hey you know what this problem isn’t that bad because I mean we all die and in the end it won’t really matter….And in itself that thought process can also save me from anxiety but it can also really bring my mood to these depths. 

I never actually planned on living past the age of 21. I figured “this is it i’ll get to drink and then i’ll just…something” Like I figured after that point something would happen by that end. I think it really started in high school that I started changing my mind on things. As much as I cared deeply and wanted to be apart of things I figured it wouldn’t really matter? I wouldn’t be around after a few years after all. I hung out with a lot of people. I’d like to think I was loved by a few good people. I loved a lot of people. I still do from that time. I don’t know if they think of me as much, and as much as I try to look up from the past (my memory over the years has left me for most things unfortunately), I think of them fondly. I didn’t like myself then, and I think I’ve grown into someone my friends then would have been proud of now. 

I…didn’t really plan for college. I stressed about it. I stressed about it a lot actually. But when it came to going I still…didn’t really know what to do with it. I studied hard. I was grateful for the opportunity to attend higher education. It just felt like I wasn’t supposed to be there. Like I was in a dead timeline and living aside from another Nissa who’d made the right timeline choice or something. I just kept waiting for…the end. I was past 21 and I was just still here. I lived and laughed a lot with the people around me. I met and loved a good many people. And it was around then that I hit my greatest low.

I learned to lie a lot about things I was thinking about. I drank a lot in college (not in the fun party way, more like the get plastered alone at home and wake up at 7pm the next day) and it’s the reason I slowed down a lot now. Nearly short stop if I’m being honest. It felt nice to be numb to a lot of things, and I still enjoy that feeling. And it’s the exact reason I don’t actually drink heavy alone or do recreational feelings. For those of you actually reading this and understand the feeling of liking the numb feeling you get with these, you can probably understand why I keep it out of arm’s reach.

And now I’m almost 25 and I still feel like I’m waiting for the end of everything. I can’t articulate it. I often find myself thinking of ending it myself, but I’ve got things that tether me. I think the worst thing about it all is I’m not sad all the time. My depression doesn’t stem from bad things that happen to me, it’s a feeling of things feel distant and almost unimportant. But there are things I love. There are people I love. There’s reasons all around me that make me glad I didn’t just “stop” at 21. 

But I guess it still explains a lot of things about how I act. I don’t save a ton of money. I like to buy things etc but that aside it’s more ‘I might not get the chance to.’ I use the phrase that “life is short” a lot when people ask me if they should or shouldn’t do something. I mean your whole world could end tomorrow. Living for the future works for some people. But if you don’t think of the future? The present keeps me settled in place most days. And I feel if I reach too far out into it. Into the future I never thought I’d have I’ll lose today. And that may just be all I have. 

“At the end of everything, hold onto anything.”